General Secretary Tony Blair today hinted that the oft-mentioned "Nanny State" is about to become a reality. Mr Blair made an announcement during a Downing Street finger buffet reception for one-legged lesbians of colour with learning difficulties.
"Frankly people whingeing about the Nanny State' get on my tits," said the tousle-headed Supremo. "So to give them something to whinge about I've decided to introduce State Nannies. Every household will be allocated a middle-aged woman - and we've got enough of those around, bugger me - to look after them from breakfast to bedtime.
"It's vital in a modern economy such as ours that people eat their greens, go to bed at a sensible time, don't watch too much television, don't spend all their time playing with their commuters, and get enough exercise. Honestly, when I look at how people in this country fritter away their life opportunities it makes me very cross. Well all that's got to stop.
"My State Nannies will ensure that everyone does what's best for them. They'll nag you into submission. They'll ensure that everyone leaves the house after a good breakfast, properly wrapped up in the winter. They'll ensure that kids are polite, that Dads stay sober and don't smoke, that Mums don't shag the postman insensible. Behind-the-ear cleanliness will also be a top priority. If you think we've had a Nanny State up to now, just you watch."
Asked how such a system would be funded, Blair was slightly evasive. "How the bloody hell should I know? Ask Gordon clever clogs' Brown. He's good at that kind of thing."