Written by Monkey Woods
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Tuesday, 19 June 2007

image for Bernard Manning Dies Of Racism
Manning scared in his pram by "a Paki" when he was 6 months old

Bernard Manning, the controversial and, some would say, outrageous northern comedian, has died of racism at the age of 76.

Manning, who weighed more than 50 stones, had suffered from the disease since the age of 6 months old, when a Pakistani gentleman frightened him as he peered fondly into Bernard's pram.

Manning first achieved nationwide exposure as a regular on the TV show The Comedians in the 1970s, but it was on the smoky northern club circuit that he really gained notoriety with his own inimitable brand of gutter filth.

Too racist for the BNP who, on several occasions, rejected his application for membership, Manning incited violence at his performances by intimidating members of the audience who were not white. Long-time talentless friend Jim "Bullseye" Bowen told Newsnight:

"He didn't like the Pakis or the nig-nogs, our Bernard!"

The condition of the fat 'comic' had deteriorated sharply over the last few weeks, and he was so riddled with racism at the end, that health experts say, to avoid any environmental leekage, Manning should be buried at a depth of "at least 100 metres".

Charlie Williams, the late ex-colleague of Manning's on The Comedians who died in 2006, would have been "as pleased as punch" to hear of his passing.

Williams said before his death last year:

"The day that fat tub of lard bites the dust, every black, Pakistani and non-white in Britain should do a jig in the street."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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