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Monday, 21 May 2007

image for "What's this Mammy?" Toddler reignites Northern Irish conflict
What's this mammy?

The curiosity of a child could mean that hundreds of years of religious intolerance and conflict are back on in Northern Ireland after a brief interlude of peace.

While the World's media trained its lenses on the unprecedented sight of the Reverend Dr Ian Paisley sharing strawberry daquaris and pool-side high jinks with new best pal Martin McGuinness, three year old Billy O'King was looking elsewhere.

With Hello magazine reportedly eyeing up the no-longer-threatening-damnation-on-each-other political pair for an 'our loch-side love nest' photo spread young Billy was playing in his Dad's garage, where he discovered the entire Loyalist arms cache, apparently 'put beyond use'.

Billy's parents, Billy Senior and his father Willy Billy Senior, immediately ordered a yard sale and within hours the streets of Belfast were restocked with Kalashnikovs and Molatovs.

"He's a fecking useless so-and-so," said more red faced than usual Loyalist spokesmen, Len Britt, who it transpires is the brother-in-law of King patriarch Willy Billy Senior.

"I thought it would be okay there. I mean, I lent him my drill in 1982 and I haven't seen it since and he hasn't got a clue where it is, I think he lent it to someone else."

But the revelations have caused panic among the paramilitary community and led General Chastelaine of the Where Are They Then Commission to step into the row.

"This isn't good enough," the angry general said.

"They showed me the places where they used to be and some of the places where they aren't now, but it turns out that the place where they actually are is a really rubbish one."

A TheSpoof.com survey of paramilitary spokesmen from both sides of the sectarian divide found them all unreachable and variously, 'down the allotment', 'Clearing the attic out - which has needed doing for years', or 'Checking down the back of the sofa'.

"Martin's gone, but I'm sure we won't let a little thing like this to come between us now," a tearful Rev Paisley told reporters.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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