Written by Danny Buckle
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Friday, 11 May 2007

Tony Blair pulled off one last insult when he persuaded the Eurovision organisers to move the World Famous Song Contest final from Helsinki to Baghdad.

As the contest gets underway tomorrow night, a cacophonic dirge will descend on the region ravaged by endless violence. "They won't have seen or heard anything like it in Iraq" said John Prescott the outgoing deputy Prime Minister "That'll teach the buggers a lesson they wont forget"

Reports are coming in that insurgents are fleeing the country in the wake of all night rehearsals. "It brings a whole new meaning to the term 'screaming Abdabs'" said Wogan as he sipped a G&T on a hotel veranda, overlooking Devina McCall's cleavage.

A US army commander in the area said "It's incredible, this tuneless Eurotrash has flushed out the enemy in one go. They have succeeded where 80'000 US marines have failed."

Like rats from an abandoned ship, enemy combatants were seen running in their thousands towards Iraq's borders pursued by Apache attack helicopters. One Texan Pilot exclaimed "Yee haw, it's like shootn' fish in a barrel"

SERDUCHKA The Ukranian entry rehearsed their number "Dancing Lasha Tumbai" in a local market square and caused pandemonium. Women and children were left sobbing whilst a local Warlord, Sheik Anvak handed himself and his men over to the authorities.

Sheik Anvak said "We were prepared to fight the might of the US military but not Eurovision. This truly is a weapon of mass destruction."

One woman hysterical with the torment screamed, "Why has Tony Blair done this to us - why? Allah has forsaken us!"

As peace descends at last on Iraq, a BBC Science correspondent gave this explanation. Europeans have slowly developed an ear for Eurovision music since it all began in 1959, we call this the Van Gough Effect. Fortunately for us the Iraqi's have no immunity to it and they simply have to run away or go insane.

Speaking in the commons today Mr Blair said "Look I know it's harsh, but sometimes, as Prime Minister, I've had to make hard decisions but I believe it was in the best interests of our country. You have to be cruel to be kind." He went on "Don't look at me like that, I didn't invent this rubbish - blame the French"

Eurovision gets underway at 8:00pm sharp. 24 songs will be performed, followed by a telephone rip-off scam, then a short reminder of each song just in case you couldn't believe how bad it was the first time.

Let the cringing begin.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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