Written by Toby Maller
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Thursday, 10 May 2007

image for Blair: I hate Gordon Brown

Tony Blair threw the Labour Party into further turmoil today by announcing that he 'hates' his probable successor and long-term political ally Gordon Brown.

Chancellor Gordon Brown is the clear favourite to succeed Mr Blair, who's set to formally announce his departure later today.

The Prime Minister delivered the shocking revelation during Prime Minister's Question Time in the House of Commons.

Opposition leader David Cameron had been grilling the PM with a series of questions on how Labour's foreign policy, and in particular the war in Iraq, might alter when he steps down.

'Fucko'

A visibly irritated Mr Blair snapped when Mr Cameron suggested that to step down now would be 'massively disrspectful' to his successor and would leave soon-to-be leader Mr Brown with 'a right royal mess' to deal with.

Responding, the PM said: 'Of course I'm leaving a whole world of shit behind for Gordon, but that's the point!', he added: 'Don't you get it? That sniping, slimy jock prick has been trying to stab me in the back for the last 2 years, so Iraq is my gift to him'.

Mr Blair then turned to his front bench and levelled a volley of abuse directly at Mr Brown, screaming: 'Did you hear that, fucko? Iraq - it's all yours. You wanted it, so you're welcome to it, you smarmy fuckwit', before storming out.

Clearly stunned by the outburst, Mr Brown started to cry and was immediately comforted by Jack Straw.

Further along the bench, outgoing Home Secretary John Reid also got up and followed Mr Blair to the exit, kicking the sobbing Chancellor as he passed.

Mr Reid then leaned close to Mr Straw's face whilst gesticulating with his hand and seemed to mouth the word 'wanker', before finally leaving the chamber.

Mr Straw, who is currently Leader of the Commons, has been widely tipped to replace Mr Reid, who has already announced his departure, in Gordon Brown's inevitible cabinet re-shuffle once in office.

'Fucknut'

In an attempt to bring the house to order, the House Speaker, the Rt Hon Mr Michael Martin MP, stifled his laughter as he called an end to the session, before allegedly adding his own hushed snipe by apparently calling Mr Brown a 'fucknut', according to MPs who were in earshot.

Shortly after the debacle, the Prime Minister released a statement calling Mr Brown: 'a hateful, untrustworthy, two-faced, penny-pinching liar', adding that the Chancellor wasn't even liked by those loyal to him, saying Mr Brown's supposed allies are: 'self-obsessed careerists, who've only got their own political ambitions in mind'.

He also claimed that the general electorate 'despised' Mr Brown, saying: 'Nobody's asked the voters - I have, and they all despise him. Every last one'.

'Penny pinching liar'

Mr Blair hasn't been seen publicly since leaving the Commons, although sources say he returned to No. 10 using a back entrance.

He apparently stormed into his office and proceeded to hide important documents and 'mess up' the filing system, before urinating on the desk and packing his personal effects.

His last act as Prime Minister was to apparently tipp-ex out his name on the office door and scrawl the word 'twat' over the top with a marker pen.

The Downing Street press office has so far declined to comment, but has said it will try to issue a statement shortly.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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