Written by queen mudder
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Saturday, 14 April 2007

image for Kate Middleton: My gay heartbreak
"and the occasional orgasm on a Saturday knight"

London - (Ass Mess): Kate Middleton has spoken for the first time since signing an exclusive £500,000 kiss-and-tell about the loneliness of the last two years.

"Before I got this wacking great big cheque from The Daily Fascist I had to rely on royal hand-me-downs.

"Friday nights at Boojis always depended on Wills making a phone call to Buck House for an emergency £250 petty cash sub.

"And all my clothes came from cheapo Oxford Street hellholes run by mafia gangsters like Philip Green.

"My little Nissan Micra was a second hand repo bought at a bailiffs' auction in Tooting.

"Even my tacky job buying pointless women's accessories for Primark was a grace-and-favor stunt.

"You have to understand that as a woman, I have my needs.

"And those include bling, bling and more bling.

"Lavish all-expenses paid holidays every month. Expense account shopping in Knightsbridge. Automatic credit card bill clearance. And no questions asked.

"Oh, and the occasional orgasm on a Saturday knight.

"Right now I'm just enjoying being single again. But this could change.

Next week Kate is off to California amid rumors of an exclusive Hollywood bio-pic deal which could net her $$$$$.

And William? He's saying nothing as yet about the blonde six foot eight squaddie called Mavis who has captured his heart and maybe his testicles.

Camilla is livid.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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