Written by Edward O'Neill
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Topics: Kids, Babies, Society

Tuesday, 27 February 2007

image for It's Official: Babies Are Inefficient
Babies: Rendered Useless

Researchers at The British Institute of Competence in Cambridge, today, revealed that Babies are the least effective members of U.K. society.

The controlled experiment was conducted on a cross- section of U.K. infants and included 1500 specimens, under the age of six months, from across the nation. It tested the kids on a range of abilities including: problem solving, physical agility, survival techniques and leadership.

The specialist team of scientists was augmented by Crystal Maze presenter Richard O'Brien, Gordon Burns from the Krypton Factor and sorcerer Ray Mears.

"I was appalled at the results" complained a disillusioned Burns "babies in my day weren't like this lot at all. None of the subjects showed a positive response to any of the tasks we set them".

Needles- to- say tragedy ensued when the infants were pitted against Ray Mears in their final challenge. Enthusiastic Mears drove the trial group to a remote, rural, wooded location for a final test in bushcraft, stamina and survival. The assemblage was left to fend for themselves for a period of 36 hours.

Upon returning to the scene after the scheduled trial time, Mears, raised in the African wilderness by a herd of gazelle as a nipper, reported that he was:

"Extremely disappointed with the results. I had expected to witness a semi- colonised scene of makeshift dwellings, poached wildlife ready to eat and weapons fashioned from the natural resources. I really do think they performed poorly indeed".

Around 1200 of the tested had been mauled by rabbits and lay in varying degrees of embarrassing decay, 250 had been stolen and sold on eBay by mercenary opportunists and the rest were unaccounted for.

"Mumsie, wouldn't have allowed me to get away with this kind of behaviour as a newborn" said O'Brien shaking his head. We've produced a detailed account of the events for submission to the government. Serious questions need to be asked here. The nation needs to know what, if anything at all, we need babies for, how much they are costing the tax- payer in needless care and whether we should simply implement a cull".

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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