Written by Monkey Woods
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Wednesday, 7 February 2007

image for Britney and Blair Give Backing To Vigilante Plan
Revenge at cheating boyfriend

In a speech to the House of Commons, PM Tony Blair has given his full backing to the Vigilante Plan, a new initiative for tackling crime in Britain.

Mr Blair told ministers that the time had come for society to "retake the streets", and said that, from April 1st, members of the public would be encouraged to take the law into their own hands.

"The justice system", he said, "is failing upright citizens, and it's about time people became a little less law-abiding."

This news was music to the ears of John Deathwish, 42, of Millwall, who is the head of the Assassination Bureau, a group of like-minded individuals who take it upon themselves to "clean up" the streets of South London.

Deathwish and other members of the Bureau were believed to be behind the 2003 slaying of car thieves who were burned alive in a car they stole. It's thought the vigilantes lay in wait until the thieves set the car alight, then forced them into the burning wreck.

Another 'people's champion', David Hooligan, from Newcastle, was jailed back in 1999 for subjecting a convicted paedophile to "an experience that neither he nor the bull will forget", or so said a police report.

He will now be set free and given a Royal Pardon, and, no doubt, a Council flat, under the new initiative.

Rights Groups are up in arms.

Clive Pinkslippers of the ultra-Left wing Rights for Crims, said "This will create havoc. The filthy, sick, uncontrollable, mindless slags that we depend on for our sad existence will get hurt, and may even get killed. Who will we defend then?"

Deathwish was unrepentant: "If oi catch sumfin as pafetic as a dogwawker lettin' 'is dog crap on the footparf, arm gonna feed it to 'im roight dahn 'is froat."

Britney Spears thinks it's a good idea as well.

Charles Bronson is 93.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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