Written by Monkey Woods
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Tuesday, 30 January 2007

image for Richard Hammond Crash Was Work Of Terrorists
Police forensic investigations concluded that the car had crashed

Richard Hammond, co-presenter of Top Gear, was back this week fronting the show that nearly killed him. Investigators into his crash, meanwhile, think they have found evidence that will link al-Qaeda to the incident.

Hammond crashed at 589mph at a track in Yorkshire in September, and sustained injuries so terrible, it was thought that, in the future, he may be forced to take safety precautions. Now, investigators say they are convinced terrorists were at work when the Hamster's car flew off the road.

The first piece of "evidence", they say, was uncovered when it transpired that a Mr Ahmed Koran, 74, lived only 12 miles from the crash site. That Mr Koran was a practising Muslim, only confirmed fears that this was the man who had planted the bomb in Hammond's car.

To make matters worse, unemployed Barry Racist, 48, of Leeds, claimed he had overheard a muffled conversation between some Islamic fundamentalists, one of whom was Mr Koran, inside a mosque two minutes before the crash occurred. Although Mr Koran speaks no English, the "witness" statement is to be used by the team to build a case against him.

A woman, the investigation team say was Koran's accomplice, Shakira Bin Laden, 66, works in a sweet shop in Dewsbury. Despite the fact that the two have never met, it is believed that the attack was planned and carried out in the style of the Steve McQueen version of The Thomas Crown Affair.

There is, as yet, no evidence of a bomb, nor was an explosion heard, but officials are not giving up hope, and say no theory, however utterly ridiculous, will be discounted, and no stone left unturned in their frantic search for something they can pin on these two innocent parties.

Mr Hammond was unavailable for comment yesterday, but BBC bosses confirmed that, later this summer, he will attempt to jump 121 trucks whilst driving a milk float packed with Semtex.

"He's back", said Jeremy Clarksville.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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