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Saturday, 20 January 2007

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A Furious Joseph Stalin

The late Soviet leader Joseph Stalin has been evicted from the Celebrity Big Brother house after the controversy caused by his comments about fellow housemate Leon Trotsky. Before the vote from the public, Stalin tearfully confessed to Big Brother that he was "petrified that the people would think him a revisionist swine with a compulsion to develop a cult of the personality".

Channel 4, the programme's host, excluded the usual audience of viewers from the eviction ceremony, saying, "The people may develop neo-reactionary tendencies with undertones of quasi-imperialism".

Media watchdog Ofcom said complaints from viewers about the doctrinaire argument had reached over 4,000,000. These included many from Bolsheviks, arguing that Stalin was attempting to establish "Socialism in one country, without first planting the seeds of a world revolution".

Stalin apologised to Trotsky, insisting he was not a devious, conspiratorial mass murderer and said he regretted any offence he had caused.

Stalin repeated his claim in an interview with presenter Davina McCall after the eviction: "To be honest, I didn't think that the people would take much notice of what I said about Leon. He and I go back a long time - in fact I still owe him a packet of Embassy Regal from 1927. When I saw the playback of the video I was disgusted, and have stripped myself of seventy of the medals awarded to me - by me - last year".

The renegade Trotsky has endured repeated verbal assaults from Stalin and faced highly critical verbal onslaughts from the other housemates, including former Miss Ukraine Natasha Beria: "My father always warned me about Trotsky - it's his glasses, they're sneaky". Stalin, who was 100-1 odds-on to be the billionth person to be evicted from the house, told viewers, "What I said was unconstitutional - but justified in the name of egalitarianism, and woe betide any criticism from anti-Soviet forces. We have gulags, you know".

In a more conciliatory tone, Stalin told Trotsky: "I didn't mean it in any nasty sense, Leon - would you consider a free holiday in Mexico? It can be arranged".

Earlier in the week, Trotsky thought he was a victim of bourgeois and reactionary slander but later changed his mind, saying that "my brilliant analysis often confuses the dunderheads who purport to follow Marxist ideology; they are still not educated enough to follow my superior line of reasoning".

In a poll organised by Channel 4 and carried out by Kremlin Surveys, 98% of Soviet citizens agreed with Stalin, with only rabid Fascists dissenting. No spokesperson from the 2% was available for comment last night.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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