Written by politicalpop
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Topics: Rubbish, Wheelie Bin

Friday, 12 January 2007

image for Woman Arrested Over Talking Wheelie Bin Death

Picture a normal Tuesday in Hackney, West London. Bin day, and ageing granny Elsie Glockle, 79, is leading her wheelie bin out to the kerb for collection as usual.

"I was just about to go back inside because it was awful windy, and I heard it plain as anyfink. 'Flash bang wallop, wa'a photograph', it said."

Elsie didn't stop to investigate the talking bin. She wisely headed indoors, locked the door, and phoned her friend, Reenie Mastic, (106).

"If you say anything, you get a torrent of abuse, and since they got rid of black bin bags, strange things have been happening rarrrnd here. I mean, one morning, I found my wheelie bin on its back, half way darrn Ignofell Road, singing chim-chimeney, chim-chimeney, and I thought, blimey. How does it do that on its own, cor blimey?"

Renee was round straight away to help her good friend.

"Safety in numbers, and all that, but blow me, just as I was going inside, it shouted, 'Lovely morning to you ma'am, arf a sixpence, arf a sixpence.?"

Have-a-go Renee had defeated the Germans in two wars, and a world cup final, and her husband had survived in the jungle by challenging natives to bare-knuckle fights, so she knew a thing or two about self-defence.

"I said, 'Away with you and your, 'lovely morning', and I hit it."

She didn't just hit it. First, brave four-foot-nothing Renee ripped off the lid, then she pulled off the wheels, before finally pouring petrol over it and setting it alight.

"It was what any normal upstanding person would do."

Unfortunately, Hackney Council, who provided the £4950 state-of-the-art 'mobile refuse centre' didn't see it that way.

"They were rarrnd here sharpish with a warrant for my arrest. We're appealing of course."

Stan Natsopa (47) is Elsie's next-door-neighbour.

"No one talks to anyone rarrnd here no more. Now push off."

One neighbour, who prefers anonymity, but is called Reg Viner (63) said he'd tried to say hello to his neighbour on a number of occasions, but the old bags just kept hitting their wheelie bin.

"They deserve all they get, these vandals. I preferred the old black bin bags myself. When you put those out no one could hear anything like they can with these talking wheelie bins. You can sneak back inside, and not have to get into an argument with a wheelie bin, just like the old days in the blitz when we all ate whale meat together cos that was all we had. My old man was a dustman, you know. Happy days."

Renee Mastic, and her accomplice, Elsie Glockle, have been charged with damaging council property, and will be sentenced next week.

A council spokesman said:

"We have introduced wheelie bins fitted with an advanced approach acknowledgement system wishing passers-by good morning, and the like, in order to preserve the cheery Cockerny sights and sounds of old London town, whilst still providing an efficient refuse collection facility. Damage against council property will not be tolerated, and this time we are backing it up with long custodial sentences."

What do you think about this outrage? Write or email with your outrage, and let's see if we can muster support for the badly downtrodden old Hackney two who dared stand up to authoritarian Hackney council.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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