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Tuesday, 9 January 2007

image for Morrissey's Eurovision Glory Under Threat from Radiohead
Who will be singing for Europe?

Just hours after it emerged that flower-wielding tunesmith Morrissey was a shoe-in for the UK's Eurovision entry, mardy rockers Radiohead have rained on his parade.

Thom Yorke and his mob of gloomy mates have reworked Bucks Fizz's classic "Making Your Mind Up" into an epic lament. The new version has not yet been recorded, but it is thought the quirky original dance routine has been binned in favour of a six-minute instrumental where Yorke wails in an eerie falsetto and band members rip off each other's Velcro kilts to reveal fair trade messages and self-harm scars on their bony legs.

Despite the obvious setback to his chances of representing his country, Morrissey was bullish. "All competition is good competition," he told a small group of thirty-something vinyl fans in crumpled shirts and velvet trousers huddled outside his HQ at a record shop in Manchester. "Clearly I am perfectly capable of producing the type of material required to win this most prestigious musical event."

"It's all about trends," the moody Mancunian continued. "In the Eighties, singing about girlfriends in comas and being miserable tapped nicely into that finely tuned balance between musical bliss and provoking suicidal tendencies. Now European music such as 2Unlimited and "Barbie Girl" by Aqua is doing much the same thing. Well at least the suicide part."

UK Eurovision chiefs are excited by the unusually high calibre of candidates for this year's cheese-fest, especially now Muse and Snow Patrol have also thrown their hats in the ring. "Normally we're lucky if we get a failed X Factor contestant or glamour model," a spokesman said. "I remember we threw a big party when Gina G agreed to do it, so this is massive for us."

Pop perennial Cliff Richard was the sole voice of dissent at the news. "It's a disgrace," he warbled from his retirement home in Great Yarmouth. "Eurovision should be about fun costumes and kitsch dancing - not some funereal dirges performed by sour-faced young men in black drain-pipe trousers." With that he leapt up and belted out a couple of breezy bars of "Bachelor Boy" before slumping down in his wheelchair and mumbling something about Sue Barker.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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