Written by Matt Linehan
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Tuesday, 9 January 2007

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Nuisance prostitution caught on CCTV

Embattled Minister Without Principles, Ruth Kelly announced new powers for the residents of council estates accross the Country Today.

As part of the Government's "Raspect Innit" agenda and their "Embarrasingly Out of Touch Blokes in Suits Getting down with the Youth" strategy, resident's groups on estates will be given sweeping new powers to control disrespectful teenagers.

Since Council Estate residents were banned from disciplining their own children, crime and public nuisance has steadily increased. "The only way to tackle this is to give parent's permission to start dealing with their unruly, yobbish offspring again - now they know it's us who's really in charge".

After "careful assessment" residents groups will be allowed to form their own legal tribunals and administer troublemakers with anything from a "custard pie in the face" to full-on "punishment beatings".

Minister Without Principles, Ruth Kelly went on to say "it's important to let those little f*****s know who's in charge and there's nothing like a bit of locally administered, summary justice by three burly blokes in balaclavas with sticks to do just that".

The Minister added "we're encouraging a three-strikes policy for the more serious offenders. Initially a humiliation punishment such a public pie flinging or a stripping would be fine but the punishment would get steadily worse should the offender continue to spray graffiti, shout loudly or hang around in the park at night"

Disturbingly, the Minister Without Principal was not satisfied with this and added "after that he's fair game and if he won't learn his lesson, we can pay someone £500 and lose him completely".

When questioned further on the term "lose him", Kelly refused to comment other than winking at us and saying knowingly "I think you know what I'm talking about" in hushed tones.

Laws to legalise punishment beatings by Licensed local hoodlums should be passed within the next 6 months with a new Ministry for Extra Judicial Punishment being created to deal with this important facet of social management.

Local residents were delighted with the announcement. We spoke to residents of the Dulhopeless Estate who were excited at the prospect of really hurting some of the younger troublemakers with many expressing interest in applying for a Hoodlum License.

Harry Kneecracker said "Work as door staff is rare now so it'd be nice to get some extra work taking care of these mouthy kids - they only understand one language".

Older resident Ken Spiteful said "I've felt so powerless for so long, i'll tell ya, someone is going to get the wrong end of my dissatisfaction with my own life and circumstances, that's for sure ... the little vermin".

When asked if this was the spirit in which the new powers were intended, Mr Spiteful merely chuckled and added "We'll see".

The scheme will be rolled out in London trouble spots to start with and adopted by the rest of the Country by 2008.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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