Written by Matt Linehan
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Topics: Driving, Chavs

Tuesday, 2 January 2007

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UK Driving Tests Made Harder

Harder driving tests are being considered for road users in the United Kingdom it was announced by the Department of Transport today.

Since 1997 commentators have accused the Government of making UK driving tests easier in a cynical attempt to try and trick the rest of the world into believing that British drivers are superior. Ministers also stand accused of "trying to make British youths float on a false sense of superiority" by the Driving Federation of England.

"These kids are getting behind the wheel and passing their tests first time - next thing they think they can drink more and pull more birds." said David Escort of the DFB.

"I think you could put the increase in STDs, binge drinking and losing the world cup on penalties down to this cynical ploy by the authorities to keep the feel good factor alive" Mr Escort told The Spoof.

The Department of Transport took a different view. James Belmarsh, a transport expert at the DoT wrote to The Spoof saying;

"We're quite happy with how driving tests are managed, though we have decided to tweak certain aspects. I'm aware of Mr Escort's quite bizarre accusations but can assure you, as always, we know best".

Mr Belmarsh patronisingly outlined these tweaks;

It is proposed that just turning up at the test centre will no longer make up 75% of the test and also all candidates must now be able to speak English.

Equal opportunities laws will now not apply to blind driving test candidates who previously were issued with a pass certificate if they could recite a favourite poem or the words to a catchy song.

Youths under the age of 19 with more than 5 motoring convictions (about 32% of test applicants) will no longer be eligible to the Second Chance scheme where the examiner would turn a blind eye to small collisions and minor offences committed on the day of the test.

The age checking device familiar to recent applicants is also being scrapped. It was thought that a measuring stick with "Big enough to slide, old enough to ride" written above it attached to a wall in the test centre was open to abuse by the larger children and a form of ID would now be required to prove age such as a video shop membership or library card.

"With these kind of measures we know that we'll ensure that the UK continues to be the envy of the world and the standard of driving here will set the example for all other countries to follow" said Mr Belmarsh.

Mr Escort was unable to comment due to being the victim of a hit and run earlier in the day.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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