Written by Frogmarsh Peterson
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Topics: missing

Tuesday, 2 December 2003

SHAFTING, NIP.CNTRY- Ignatious Murraybund has never given up hope of finding her beloved cat 'Colonel Parker'.

1982

The cat went missing in 1982 when Mrs Murraybund moved house, unfortunately the cat was no where to be seen when she arrived at her new home.

Cat Basket

"I let Colonel Parker out at about six but told him to be back by eleven when we would be leaving. When I arrived at the new house I checked in the cat basket and he wasn't there. Then it dawned on me that I'd forgotten him." - Mrs Murraybund recalled.

Maps

Ignatious has been sending letters to the old house ever since with detailed maps and instructions on how Colonel Parker should make it to the Murraybund household.

"My only hope is that one day he may read one of these letters and come find me. Cats are intelligent aren't they? They can do tricks like read, I saw it on the telly once. Hopefully the Colonel will be just as talented."

Cocknobs

The current occupiers of Ignatious's previous house are said to be furious with the daily letters addressed to a Colonel Parker. The Cocknobs have written to Mrs Murraybund countless times explaining that they haven't seen the cat and that it's probably dead now anyway.

"He's not dead... no he ain't dead, they're lying I think. They're keepin' him prisoner in a secret cupboard ‘cos they can't have cats of their own. I've been sending threatening letters asking for his return... but there's no reasoning with mentals is there?" - Ignatious says with tears in her eyes.

"Fifty"

Ignatious is currently setting up a petition in which she hopes to get fifty signatures. She'll then send that to the Cockburns and note that it's to get the Colonel back.



If you've seen Colonel Parker call Shafting 424444 or send it (the Colonel) in a box to 8999 Thatcher Avenue, Shafting, Nipple Country, BL0 4ME

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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