The long awaited Isle of Wight Glasgowland theme park has opened with an explosion of swearing, drunken razor fights and face "glassing".
A true Friday night Glasgow experience can now be had any night of the week without leaving the geriatric confines of the Isle of Wight. Conveniently near to Parkhurst prison, the enchanted cesspit features cuddly "Scotsman" figures carrying broken beer bottles, swords and flick knives.
Mutilations and insults abound with the intermittent banshee-like screeching bagpipes on every street corner. Vomit covered paving stones and the smell of urine in every dark alley come together magically to make a romantic and unforgettable holiday or day out, said a representative yesterday.