Written by K.C. Bell
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Tuesday, 3 December 2013

image for Who Knew Nigella Lawson Was On The Grassy Knoll?

Who knew that cooking princess Nigella Lawson was on the grassy knoll, driver of the white Fiat Uno, hunted elephants for their ivory with a machine gun, kept Osama bin Laden hidden in her Aga for several years, the cause of the sub-prime mortgage crisis of 2007, is the director of the Bermuda Triangle disappearances, responsible for the sinking of the Titanic, Pearl Harbor, giving Robert Redford the Jeremy Irons role in Out of Africa, and was the Eve that got mankind kicked out of the Garden of Paradise? Whatever happened, she's the cause, all this whilst she whipped up a fabulous chocolate cloud cake or peanut butter cheesecake dessert, and hooked up to a cocaine drip at her ankle.

The drug allegations seem to have been innocently blasted forward during testimony in a criminal case in which two former employees of the Saatchi/Lawson household went like Gang Busters using the Saatchi/Lawson credit cards. Thus, Ms. Lawson's soon to be ex-husband, advertising titan Charles Saatchi, was shocked to learn ex-wife was on drugs. This is the same fellow photographed chocking his wife in a restaurant.

Question: Any photos of Ms. Lawson's rumored allegations of drug use?

Reply: Just because they haven't been produced, doesn't mean they don't exist.

Seems all the advertising titan was trying to do when photographed was to get Nigella to focus: F-O-C-U-S. The word 'focus' is like the Rosetta Stone that silently translates to remind the world of: The cocaine drip hooked to her ankle.

And he says he misses his ex-chef deeply. And he never ever knew she was a drug addict, as his two former employees testified, until exactly after his two former employees testified.

Some may suggest this falls short of a stalwart defense of his estranged wife's vanilla pure reputation, and more about getting even. And don't forget about the up coming television series Ms. Lawson is supposed to begin, but could possibly have canceled due to the focus issue and cocaine drip attached to her ankle.

So that's how the Sundance Kid got the Jeremy Irons role in Out of Africa.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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