Ascot, Berks - (Associated Mess): Douglas Erskine Crumbs-of-Comfort, head of Royal Ascot racecourse redevelopment, has suddenly quit his job following thousands of complaints that this year's June meeting was beset with hordes of riff-raff and "too many Nazis" in the Royal Enclosure itself.
But racecourse chairman the Duke of Devonshire has backed his man over this precipice of misunderstanding: "Douglas took Royal Ascot into the 21st century and realised its potential as one of the supreme grandstanding opportunities to showcase relatives of Oswald Moseley, Joseph Stalin, General Augusto Pinochet and convicted German traitor Joachim von Ribbentrop.
"All this talk of fascists masquarading as the British Royal Family is a ludicrous American invention.
"There are more conspiracy theorists in the US than there are dodgy, useless, three-legged hunter-chaser no-hopers in the entire British National Hunt industry."
But those words brought few crumbs of comfort to the ousted Royal Ascot CEO who is rumoured to being head-hunted as a new spin-doctor for UK glue manufacturing concerns whose continuing success relies so heavily on British thoroughbred racing also-rans.