It's that time of year again. Shop windows are full of Christmas gifts, Christmas adverts are beginning to be shown on TV, and only one question is on everyone's mind - what to buy their arsehole family for Christmas this year. Here are some suggestions for what to buy from Christmas shopping expert Mary Easter.
If you have children, then this year's must-have present that parents are literally beating each other to death to obtain is the Indestructible Robo-hamster. It is made from reinforced titanium and is guaranteed to survive stomping, burning, flushing and even digestion. This is the perfect toy for kids who like to destroy all living things.
For someone who likes cooking but has no money, the best selling book this winter is Nigella Lawson's Garbage Heap Dinners. It is full of recipes for how to make delicious meals from whatever you can find in the dustbin - including deep fried banana peel and curried crisp packet. It even includes some useful suggestions for what to do with all that leftover wrapping paper after Christmas. Mmm, delicious!
Are you looking for a gift for an older gentleman who has always wanted to do some gardening but is unable to afford a garden? Now with the Indoor Garden (TM) he can be proud of his very own square foot of grass that he can keep indoors and mow every day. It comes with the Indoor Gardening Scissors (TM) for keeping that grass at a perfect length.
Perhaps you are having trouble choosing a gift for a granny who already owns the most tasteless tat on earth. Then why not try a kitten-skin scarf, made from 100% genuine kitten-skin. It feels strokably soft and now comes with a meowy squeaker that makes a cute kitten noise when you squeeze it. Perfect for the cat-obsessed older woman.
In these troubled financial times, why not get somebody the gift of a Wonga gift voucher. Buy a voucher for only £1000 to allow a friend or loved one (or yourself) to borrow that amount, and if it gets paid back plus 200% interest by next Christmas then you will receive a free Wonga voucher next Christmas for only half the price. A Wonga gift voucher will pay for this year's Christmas and will ensure you remember next year's. Truly the gift that keeps on taking.