Written by Mark Lowton
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Topics: George W. Bush

Saturday, 15 November 2003

image for 'Unprecedented' Security for George W. Bush
The Mall

The security at George W. Bush's forthcoming London visit is set to be like that never seen before according to Metropolitan Police Commissioner Sir John Stevens. The planned security would have cost the British tax-payer £4m but police coffers are such that they just can't afford this.

Reeling from the security costs of David Blaine's stunt over the Thames, Scotland Yard has admitted "We just can't afford it. We can't afford anything. Our staff have to bring their own toilet paper into work, that's how desperate we are."

"It's just hard cheese," said Sir Stevens. "The president's got his 700 strong personal security force anyway, what does he need my officers for? Wasting their time when they could be doing some real police work."

"I couldn't believe how much money this would cost at first," continued Stevens, "4 million pounds! He's only staying for four days, that's a million pounds a day. No-man is worth a million pounds a day, especially not that bumpkin. It's inconceivable that they actually wanted us to spend that, I had to check my calendar to make sure it wasn't April 1st."

Protestors are said to be so pleased with the money saved by not policing the event that they have said they'll behave and stay at home.

"It's not just the fact that he's a nob-head." Began one protestor, "But to spend 4 million pounds on a nob-head like him is just ridiculous. There are lots of nob-heads in the world, hell I meet at least one every day. He's just not worth it. I could protest about the war, but really, what's the point? The thing with nob-heads is they don't listen to good advice anyway, they're nob-heads, it's what they do. At least we don't have to pay 4 million pounds on security for him to drive 800 yards down the Mall. Nah, I'm gonna stay at home, do some Gardening."

This will be the first time a foreign guest has visited the capital without the protection of the British police force. If the event goes without a hitch Scotland Yard has said it will consider never protecting foreign ambassadors again and save the British tax payer millions of pounds.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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