Lady Henrietta Partridge-Greenwelly, the wife of ex-Austerity Minister Sir Peregrine Partridge-Greenwelly, has turned whistleblower by revealing a devious plot to keep people smoking put together behind closed doors during the recent Bilderberg meeting at Watford.
Lady PG, who was attending the 4 day Bilderberg meeting as one of this year's 'special guests' claims to have been awoken in the early hours of the Friday morning by raised voices coming from a room next to hers at Watford's luxurious hotel 'The Gob' where the conference was being held. Explains Henrietta,
"I wasn't able to hear exactly what was being said from my bed, just a few words here and there, but luckily I had a wine glass in my room as I'd brought a few bottles up to the room with me from the downstairs bar - just to help me drop off to sleep. So I rolled myself out of bed and taking the wine glass with me went over to the wall separating the two rooms. Placing the upturned wine glass to the wall I was then able to hear every word they were saying in there by simply putting my right ear to the bottom of the wine glass."
Lady PG claims that what she heard being planned in the next room by three of Britain's most senior politicians made her so angry that she decided there and then she would make it known to the whole country.
"I recognised all three voices," she says. "David Cameron, Nick Clegg, and George Osborne. George was making a joke about it saying how he enjoys a nice fag just as all of them do but that Mr Kissinger had made it absolutely clear to him that something had to be done about it. Our Prime Minister then said something about how he was already planning to make them officially a medicine so as to make it harder for people to get hold of them. But I then heard Mr Clegg yelling at the Prime Minster that it required a lot more than that, and that the menace had to be nipped in the bud because they were reducing the amount of tax flowing in needed to pay the monthly installments to the bankers. I couldn't believe what I was hearing through that wine glass. I'm a smoker myself and for several months have been thinking of giving them a try."
She continues, "It was Mr Osborne who came up with the idea of having power cuts across Britain lasting for months. I heard Mr Clegg saying it was the perfect solution because all the smokers of Britain who've been turning to the new electronic type cigarettes would find they'd have no choice but to go back to smoking the real cigarettes and hand rolling tobaccos when discovering there was no electricity anywhere for them to recharge the batteries in the plastic ones. Mr Cameron warned it would take many months to arrange the power cuts but that he'd try to get them started by next spring. I then heard Mr Clegg ordering him to get them started in time for the run up to Christmas this year. He was saying how he'd heard that they're also making them available now as electronic cigars."
When asked to respond to the Bilderberg whistleblower's claims the Prime Minister insisted Lady Partridge-Greenwelly had misheard what they'd been discussing in his room. Giving his version of events this afternoon he said from Downing Street:
"It is true that the three of us were in my room that night, but I can assure he people of Britain that we were simply winding down with a few cups of wine after what had been a pleasant afternoon's golf on The Gob's splendid course. We were discussing the game that afternoon and celebrating my hole in one at the third. All this talk of having fags in my room is absolute nonsense. All three of us are non-smokers, and it's hardly a secret that Nick and I are often to be seen with our shirt sleeves rolled up in a manly way. Also, anyone who knows Mr Osborne will tell you he's nothing like Mr Hague.