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Monday, 18 September 2006

image for Margaret's Order of the Bath
Order of the Bath investiture, circa 1962

Buckingham Palace, London - (Associated Mess): Official commemorative portraits have been unveiled of the late Princess Margaret depicting her 1962 investiture into the Most Ancient and Noble Royal Order of the Bath.

The pictures show her wearing the traditional full ceremonial garb associated with the hysteric event as well as the diamond tiara given to her by Soviet President Nikita Khruschev by way of a grateful 'thank you' for use of the House of Mountbatten official diplomatic bag for safe delivery of 100 tonnes of best Colombian cocaine following a bumper harvest that year.

The relaxed and regal-looking Margaret is seen sitting partially submersed and with her bouffant locks piled up high above the shimmering rocks.

An enigmatic Mona Lisa-like smile on her fullsome scarlet-tinged lips has been attributed by royal experts to the sheer mystical joy of the ancient ceremonial occasion, which was televised for subsequent broadcast to the nation during the Queen's Christmas Message later that year.

But some royal archivists are now saying that due to cutting-room sensitivities, not all parts of this ancient and mysterious ceremonial rite are visible above the plimsoll-line level of the bath tub and that the Order's true chivalric secrets can only be speculated upon by scanning the partially visible movement in the water.

For many centuries rumour, innuendo and classified secrecy have hinted that the entire Order of the Bath investiture ceremony can only be fully completed according to the ancient lore that first invested it with its reputed mystical powers via the healing
hands...and lips...of a maiden or young swain adept in holding her/his breath under water for a full five minutes while completing the rigorous under-water
tasks which accompany the rite.

For modesty's sake, Margaret's official investiture portrait has been transcribed from the cutting room floor footage so that only the briefest ripples are seen in the water.

But that million-dollar gleaming smile cannot surely
be attributed solely to the enjoyment of those
Colombian white powders seen in the trinket box on the side of the bath tub, nor to a desire to please the cameras recording the regal event for posterity.

And therein lie the secrets of this anciet and noble rite which once invested upon the recipient Grand Knight or Grand Dame of the Order, remain a treasured personal memory for evermore...

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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