Drink-spiking drug and racoon laxative, Rohypnol, actually counts as one of your five-a-day according to sometimes sex offender, Gavin McCloroform.
Gavin, a thirty-eight-year-old dietician from Cardiff, claims the drug is misunderstood and with the right marketing it could become a staple feature of our diets in the future.
"There's a lot of stigma attached to the drug because of all the raping unfortunately, but nobody ever talks about the benefits. Just a single teaspoon of Rohypnol is as healthy as eating two, perhaps three apples and with the bonus of non-consensual exercise it's a great way to stay in shape."
"In fact, in my opinion the workout itself counts for at least two of your five-a-day."
"If you think of a penis as a banana and a reluctant vagina as some kind of angry, partially-damaged melon, you really start to see where I'm coming from Or you don't see where I'm coming from; which just makes it easier for me to get you into the back of my van."