Written by Slante Dangle
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Topics: Police, Terrorism

Monday, 4 March 2013

image for Police confirm anti-terror strategy: 'we arrest people who look like terrorists'
Hey beardy, come over 'ere...

London Chief Constable, Brian Hogan, today confirmed the Police were exploiting the major weakness in the terrorists' armour: the fact that terrorists consistently look like terrorists.

The Commissioner explained, "this gives us the upper hand because we can use our eyes to quickly look at a suspect and decide whether they do in fact look like a terrorist. If they do, they're nicked. It's highly efficient".

The Commissioner did acknowledge that his approach wasn't entirely foolproof. The Police's recent raid of a suspected meeting of a London terror cell was in fact a Lord Of The Rings convention which ended with the arrest of seventeen Gandalfs and one Frodo.

The Commissioner commented, "visually, a Gandalf lookalike and a genuine terrorist tick the same boxes. However, we do regret performing the strip searches before checking if the beards were genuine".

It appears that the raid was even more bungled than the Commissioner suggests. One of the unfortunate Gandalfs whose beard happened to be real was only correctly identified as he fought off an invasive cavity search whilst shrieking 'you shall not pass'.

Refusing to comment further on the treatment of terror suspects in custody, the Commissioner was keen to clarify that the lone Frodo who was arrested was done so on the grounds of being a suspected pedophile rather than a terrorist.

The Commissioner concluded, "the arrest of the individual dressed as Frodo was an unfortunate mistake, but in the heat of the moment all we saw was a child with man's feet. To us that just shouted 'pedo'"

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