Written by Craig Meighan
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Sunday, 27 August 2006

image for David Blunkett's Amazing Powers Shock a Nation
Some say he has magic powers. His Mother was a pirate.

Tony Blair revealed in a press conference today the surprising reasons why he kept David Blunkett in government after his recent scandals.
In a frank interview he told of Blunkett's secret talents.
"Did you know that when a man is blind, often his other senses are heightened? Increased hearing, sense of smell, even telepathy. What? You haven't seen Daredevil?"
When further questioned he went on to list the MP's astounding gifts. These will be published in an official leaflet soon said a spokesman:

1. David Blunkett can locate terrorists by sonar vision.
2. David Blunkett will read your mind with his telepathic powers, searching for dangerous thoughts.
3. If you whisper conspiratorial ideas, David Blunkett can hear you from up to six miles away.
4. He can diffuse a ticking bomb by telling it to "Cease!".
5. He carries a sword at all times.
6. He can smell a terrorist out of a crowd faster than a police dog.
7. He can go invisible at will.
8. He can pick up radioactive materials with no ill effects.
9. He can play the "Sweet Child O' Mine" solo.
10. He eats danger for breakfast and and often snacks on peril between meals.

A bullet dodging, sword wielding, mind reading, hero? Well so claims the Prime Minister.
"We are fighting a war against terror. We need weapons that will strike fear into the hearts of the evil-doers. In this fight he is our only hope now." Said Mr Blair as he exited the press conference.
Sceptics may say these sound like lies, fabrications, but I say Go! Go David Go! Use your witchcraft to rid the world of evil! Fight the power!

Yesterday an army unit fired on an object they described as moving at "Unimaginable speeds". This was also credited to Blunkett in today's conference. A spokesman for the party said "He has the ability, like many blind people, to propel himself at obscene velocities around the globe. When the brain no longer needs to process the huge amounts of data received by the optic nerves it is capable of using that energy to achieve almost unreal feats of physical power."

Is Blunkett just a blind, incompetent politician? A beacon of idiocy in the sea of retards which we call, the British Government. Or is he the greatest superhero of our time? A shining light of humanity in the void of sleaze and corruption we call, our lives. This reporter thinks the latter. Godspeed Blunkett, Godspeed.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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