Written by ANGELA WRIGHT
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Topics: Judges, jury, judgement

Thursday, 21 February 2013

image for The Jury is out, but the jurors are clueless
Two relieved ex-jurors

In an unprecedented legal quandary this week, an entire jury was deemed unfit for service and thrown out by the judge. Journalists discarded all courteous behaviour as they shoved, elbowed and kicked their way to the Court entrance in a bid to interview some of the spectacularly stupid ex-jurors.

The hacks could barely believe their good fortune. Not only were all twelve jurors willing to talk to the press, but seven of them had also prepared statements.

Comments - from the incoherent to the hilarious - revealed only the shocking absence of any measure of intellect.

Full transcripts of all seven statements can be found on youtotal.airhead/what?!?**.com. For your entertainment, however, here is a selection of gems from the disgraced jurors:

"I'm quite glad I got out of it to be honest. I was the brightest spark there, and I can't even read."

"I tried to tell them we had to discuss stuff. It's just that I couldn't remember what that stuff was."

"Some bloke said he'd be the Chairman. I said he could stop being a horse's arse and muck in with the rest of us. The priority was to find out who the hell got us into this mess."

"There was absolutely nothing to do in there. Fortunately I had Travel Scrabble in my bag and a couple of us played for a few hours."

And this from the statement of Ms Iva Labotomy:

"I would like to make it crystal clear that I have full mental composity to think below the box. I have never, or sometimes occasionally, given any indexation that I am unable to speak without my full knowledge or consentment. I dissolute any implantation that I have no unconscious awareness of my identity. I am a responsible and law-abiding citadel and I intend to return to normal life as soon as the next bus arrives."

Spotted leaving the building by a back door, the Senior Court Clerk said she was "amazed these people got through the initial screening.'Temporary amnesia' is - you'd think - grounds for dismissal. One man responded to the question 'What is your home address?' with 'I think it's somewhere up North'. Unbelievable."

Richard Curtis and Ben Elton have begun work on a new screenplay, already known off the record as Four Murders in Notting Hill and Still No Jury.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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