Written by IainB
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Thursday, 14 February 2013

image for February 15th will henceforth be termed Singles Day
I'm single, but it's no longer a problem

For as long as there have been florists and card shops, February 14th has been called Valentine's Day in order to boost sales of flowers and cards during a slump in the card selling calendar. One section of society has long since come to hate this day, feeling depressed and ostracised: Those not in a relationship.

"We realised that there was a vast untapped market," said Clinton Hall, owner of Clinton Hall's cards. "I mean of course, a section of society who was feeling left out."

After a successful petition to government, the Card Retailers and Associated Purveyors (CRAP), have had February 15th designated Singles Day.

"This is the day when being single can be celebrated," said Hall. "Restaurants will be offering discounts on meals for one. Hotels will not insist on giving single people a double bed, and, of course, there will be a card to celebrate it."

The new range of cards can be sent either from the singleton to the singleton, or by any friends the singleton might have happened to stumble across in their lonely existence.

"We're expecting the cards to singletons from couples to be a big seller," said Hall. "These cards generally have a variation on the message 'nananananana'. My personal favourite has a pop up nose being thumbed."

It is hoped (by the card industry) that Singles Day will become as big as Valentine's Day used to be, until people wised up and stopped buying cards.

Cheese manufacturer, Crafty, have launched a new product specifically for the day called Single Cheese Singles for the Single, meanwhile the One Show on the BBC will become a show for the one.

"Our motto," said Hall, "is Singles of the World, get together."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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