Written by Tom Felicity Evans
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Monday, 7 January 2013

image for "Anybody who votes Tory is gay", claims Ed Balls

Shadow Chancellor Ed Balls made a public announcement today, advising "anybody who votes for the Conservative Party is gay. Me and little Ed and all the boys decided at Ed's house yesterday so now you all have to be on our side, otherwise you're gay."

The announcement was the latest in a string of outburst and occurrences by the three main political parties, which seemed to begin with all members of the Labour Party disagreeing with every Coalition policy or statement, even when they matched the party's own principles.

Critics have already begun pulling apart the Shadow Chancellor's statement. The Sun reporter Tyson Chavington asked Mr Balls "what if somebody who is openly gay votes Tory?". Ed Balls replied "I don't mean they're gay as in gay, I mean gay as in; that's so gay. And even if I did mean it like that, if someone is already gay then if they vote Tory it means they're a minger".

Other incidents included Chancellor George Osborne giving Labour leader Ed Miliband an 'atomic wedgie' (our source advises this is pulling the underpants over the head), and Lib Dem Vince Cable being fraped by William Hague. Hague accessed Mr Cable's iPhone when he went to the bathroom and updated his status to read "I can't hide it anymore, I need to let everyone know I had a threesome with Thatcher and Prescott and now my arse and political persuasions have been torn".

These occurrences have even made their way into Parliament. Last week Labour MP Tom Watson was 'kegged' by Prime Minister David Cameron, David Miliband was reported to have 'let one rip' during a discussion on the state of the economy, and Commons speaker John Bercow had to confiscate a note being passed around suggesting MP Eric Pickles' mother was 'a snowblower'. Nobody owned up to writing the note and as a result everybody had to stay behind for 20 minutes afterwards.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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