A historic first ever trip by the Queen to a Downing St cabinet meeting this week ended in uproar after only half an hour. Reporters had noticed the Monarch looking grim faced within minutes of the meeting starting, and 30 minutes later she got up, walked out to her car and was driven off.
A government minister, who wished not to be named, told us what had happened during the ill fated half hour. He told us, "Her majesty was shown to her seat between the Prime Minister Cameron and the Foreign Secretary Haig. She seemed somewhat confused by her surroundings, and asked Mr Haig "Which one is Jeremy ?", whilst wafting her hand in the direction of the cabinet ministers.
"Within minutes of the meeting starting I heard her whisper to Mr Cameron "When are they going to do the DNA test ?". I don't think he heard her properly, or he hadn't got a clue what she was talking about, but he just carried on speaking. After a while I noticed the Queen was shuffling uncomfortably, and looking quite irritated, when she gently elbowed Mr Cameron and asked "Is that the father over there ?", pointing at Nick Clegg".
"Again, the Prime Minister seemed to ignore her question, which made her look even more vexed".
"After all the welcoming speeches had been dispensed with, and the business of the day concluded, the Prime Minister stood up to address the gathering. He told those present that the government had decided to give her majesty a Christmas present befitting a monarch of such long standing. It was at this point that I detected a glimmer of interest from the Queen, who had just finished asking William Haig something about "Which ones taking the lie detector test".
"The Prime Minister said that the Queen now had a piece of Western Antarctica named after her, and that it would be now known as Queen Elizabeth Land".
"I think it was the thought of being given 169,000 square miles of frozen empty wasteland for a Christmas present that finally made her lose it".
"She hurriedly put her knitting and thermos in her bag and stormed out of the room. I heard her mumbling something about "bastards" and "posh twats" as she brushed me aside. I can see why she's so annoyed. I mean, receiving a huge empty chunk of frozen snow and ice the size of Germany, really is one the shittiest Christmas presents you could ever give anyone".
Follow us on Twitter