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Friday, 23 November 2012

image for Prince Philip wins Guinness Book of Records for most gaffe-prone human-being
He's a "Record Breakerrrrrrrrr"

It started as just another day in the Queen's Jubilee year: a visit to Bristol. Her Majesty and the ubiquitous Phil began their tour at the Bailey caravan factory, marking its own 65th anniversary.

What they were unaware of was that Her Maj had arranged, as a surprise for her husband, for a Guinness Book of Records judge, Duane Us, to follow the party to keep tabs on The Greek's gaffes.

Duane told us, "I didn't have to wait long. It can't have been more than 10.30am and The Duke got the ball rolling, though it was a mild start.

Philip spotted one assembly worker, Stephen Brock, was wearing several gold neck chains. He said 'Don't you believe in banks?' Mr. Brock was clearly offended and told him to 'Fuck Off'."

Duane Us then told us that HRH had seemed to 'get the bit between his teeth' and behaved from then on as if he was a participant in a drive-by shooting.

"Nobody was safe. He was darting to and fro just picking on anyone. There was just nowhere to hide. People were trying to escape; there was screaming. I just tried to do my job and keep counting."

That count, Mr. Us told The Spoof, ended three hours and forty minutes later when a clearly delighted Prince was finally bundled into the Rolls by Special Branch.

"In the space of three and three quarter hours, Prince Philip managed a record-breaking 1648 offensive remarks. The man falls into the category of 'Legendary'."

The Spoof has seen the remarks. We have to say that some are so deeply disturbing and offensive, so devoid of any common human decency, so shockingly unpleasant that it would not be appropriate to publish them. No doubt Twitter will be running the full list before it appears on This Morning tomorrow.

However... we have chosen a number of publishable gaffes in order to give a flavour of Philip's Big Day Out.

Talking to little Down's boy Trevor Horseblow, Prince Philip noticed that Trevor's hat had a propeller attached to the top. "That's quite a handy cap you've got there Trevor!" joked HRH. Trevor's mother dragged him, crying, away.

Betty Slophole was coming out of the Glorious Phal Curry House when Philip approached her.

"He asked whether they'd tried to eat me in there. I didn't even know who he was at first. I thought he was mad."

The Duke took time out of the rampage at one point when he went into The Armless Arms pub for a quick pint of Badger's Wank.

Barman Herbert Chesapeke told us, "He was very loudly telling everyone that if you just add the words '... in Liverpool' to any joke it makes it much funnier.

And before he left the pub," Mr. Chesapeke told us, "he said to our barmaid, Destiny-Chardonnay, that he'd like to leave her face looking like a painter's radio. She's had to go home."

As Prince Philip was swept away in the Rolls Royce he was heard to be raging at the driver, "Get a f*****g move on, man, or I'll punch you so hard you'll look like you've been ram-raiding on a scooter."

As they say. Legendary.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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