Written by IainB
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Thursday, 22 November 2012

image for Sheffield declared an island after UK submerged
Canterbury Cathedral now has an indoor swimming pool. And an outdoor one.

Sheffield remains the only city in the UK not to be submerged under at least an inch of water, leading major map manufacturers to redraw the island of the UK as just a small blob near the Isle of Man with a few scattered islands around it.

"The whole country is under at least an inch of water," said meteorologist, Summer Rayner. "In some places, such as the kilometre deep Cheddar Gorge, this is as deep as one kilometre."

Ulverston is now only reachable via a deep water submersible and Scotland have abandoned plans for secession from the UK while they look for help in putting sandbags around Ben Nevis to stop it being eroded away by the flood waters. Kent County Council, currently in a boat somewhere near Canterbury, are seriously reconsidering their stance on the hosepipe ban.

"More rain is on the way for the UK," said Rayner. "Some of it heavy."

Meteorologists warn that with the rain falling onto what is effectively now sea, is a bad thing, and could cause more flooding.

"Surely," said Susie Sock, a soggy Sutton resident, "once everywhere is flooded, there can't be more flooding?"

However, with a tidal surge taking Newcastle straight into the North Sea, it would appear Susie Sock is wrong.

"We could expect to lose Buxton," said Rayner. "And if it continues, Sheffield may also become submerged."

Should this catastrophic event happen, the UK would become a small collection of islands that were once the tops of tall hills and mountains.

"I don't understand what the fuss is about," said Rhod Gilbert, spokesman for the Welsh Tourist board, and one time comedian. "It's only a bit of water, isn't it? Just buy a brolly. Cardiff's not underwater, well, no more than usual. Seventeen inches in one day falling on Southampton? And they can't handle it? Wusses. Seventeen inches of rain in a day is going to the beach weather in Wales. I have another message for the weather guys in England. Stop saying 'the UK can't cope' when what you mean is 'England is damp'."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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