Written by Simon Saunders
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Thursday, 25 October 2012

image for Hull Set To Be Renamed 'Hell' As Part Of Tourism Drive
The fires of Hull

Council chiefs in Kingston-Upon-Hull have unveiled a proposal designed to boost the city's tourism industry.

Their madcap idea is to rename the city 'Hell'.

Council spokesman Claude Dogsbody explained the barmy plans earlier today. "Tourism figures for Hull, or should I say Hell, are bottom of the UK pile. We have some spectacular attractions such as the Rotten Fish Museum and the UK's biggest manhole cover exhibition. The problem is when people hear these places are in Hull they vomit in disgust. Last year the UK's Shittiest City Guide ranked us number one. They described the city as 'A throwback to the days when people threw the contents of their chamber pots into the street. The gutters are littered with the dead and dying. Their scabby diseased bodies creating a stench worse than the cities appalling Rotten Fish Museum. Hull is to cities what Jedward are to the music industry. Frankly, it's a Hull hole!' "

After vomiting into a bucket, Mr Dogsbody continued, "You may ask why we've gone for the name Hell. Well, obviously it sounds like Hull and most people call the city Hell anyway. It's also the cheapest option because we'll only have to make minor changes to all the signs. If you turn the U in Hull on it's side and add a bit then you have an E. We commissioned a survey that found most people would rather go to Hell than visit us here in Hull so it seems the logical thing to rename the city 'Hell'."

Lardy sweat machine and former local MP, Lord John Prescott, weighed into the debate on local current affairs programme 'Hull Is For Heroes'. "The perception of Hull is totally unwarranted. The city was virtually destroyed by the Nazi's during the second world war because of our excellent port facilities. Recently one cheeky sod asked me when we were planning to rebuild. That attitude towards the city has to change. I could've used the famous Prescott jab on him but I don't do that sort of thing these days. I'd rather have a pie and a good old vomit."

We understand there could be one major stumbling block to the councils plans. The ruler of the original Hell, Mr B.L Zebub, known affectionately as the "Prince of Demons" by his people, is furious. In a statement on his website, Hell.com, he said, "We don't want to be associated with Hull. I've even heard that they want to be twinned with us. No chance. It's an embarrassment. If their council go ahead with this they'd better watch out. I'm not a demon to be messed with."

Food for thought indeed.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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