Written by queen mudder
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Thursday, 20 September 2012

image for Druids to muster Autumn Equinox sheep-dip test
A spray-mist version is also available for underarm and pube use

London - Hordes of New Age hippies and neo-Pagan nutz are to be kettled through a pesticide trench before being allowed up Primrose Hill for Saturday's Autumn Equinox parade.

The elf 'n' safety directive comes as a ten year study by the Royal Freak Hospital School of Homeopathetic Medicine accused the annual ceremony of spreading lethal pathogens affecting local males' sperm motility.

And causing 'common sense mutations' that trigger a spate of daft baby names among expectant mums.

This morning Royal Parks groundsmen were seen installing the ritual ablution-style foot-baths filled with a potent mixture of organic compounds.

These are said to contain mostly organic wormwood extracts, old cigar butt liquor and lycopene-rich tomato ketchup.

A spray-mist version will also be available, mostly for under-arm and pube use.

Over 10,000 pagans, wiccans and assorted necromancers are expected at this year's annual rite which kicks off at noon before climaxing at 15.48BST when the Sun enters Libra.

Meanwhile at a neighboring Equinox celebration site in Parliament Hill Druids remain banned until further notice for trashing rare eco havens and endangered species habitats.

An entire generation of indigenous green parakeets dropped dead after last year's Summer Solstice esbat, overcome by pagans' essential oils fumes and combustible home-grown substances used in, er, ritual stuff.

The area remains quarantined until at least 2017.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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