London - Millions of mosquito larvae in the Princess Diana Memorial Fountain have suddenly hatched in the glorious September sunshine like a colony of Pthirus pubis - pubic crab lice - on the Old Queen Mum's snatch.
This morning a swarm of the little bastards was seen heading for Hyde Park's cordoned-off Proms in the Park concert arena where Kylie Minogue will star on Saturday night.
"This colony is searching for its new queen," a Royal Parks groundsman said today, "who will be expected to mate with the best of the bunch.
"A slightly subtle [in insect terms!] process of elimination means virtually every male that can get it up will have a go at impregnating the Chosen One - once's she's been ritually anointed in the Fountain's crystal meth waters."
Last year international singing diva Katherine Jenkins 'got badly nibbled' while singing Fool Britannia! at the Royal Albert Hole.
Previously international soprano Dame Kiri Te Kanawa suffered a similar indignity during a recital of Nessun Dorma with Placido Domingo and Luciano Pavarotti.
"The insect bites didn't help either!"
Sir Terry Wogan is 104.