Written by IainB
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Wednesday, 5 September 2012

image for Musical differences inflame Northern Ireland
Headphones would also work, so everybody hears only what they want

Musical differences are at the heart of a new row brewing in Northern Ireland, with tension mounting daily.

"Loyalists were playing some Iron Maiden numbers outside Catholic churches," said Michael Lansdale, who heads the Sectarian Violence Division for the Ulster Police Department. "It is well known that Catholics prefer a bit of Hip Hop."

Violence escalated as a rival marching band launched into some Beastie Boy numbers, whilst the Protestants switched over to Whitesnake.

"Pretty soon, all hell broke loose," said Lansdale. "There were people stuck in tubas, people with trombones stuck in them. Mayhem, utter mayhem."

The violence quickly spread around Belfast, dragging the Instrumental Refrain Assembly into the affair to try and help stop the rioting.

"It's only music," said one of the Protestant band members, "I don't see what they're getting upset about."

"We find Heavy Metal music grates," said a Catholic band member. "Hip Hop is more poetic and melodic."

The two sides continue to clash, with many joining in without knowing the real reason for the fight.

"Well, they're bound to have done something to us," said one combatant, whose allegiances were unclear. "So we do it back!"

Government officials are hoping to bring in a crack squad of Primary School Teachers in a bid to bring an end to the violence.

"The police have been largely ineffective," said Martin McGuinness, who has previous experience with ineffective policing. "So we thought that as everybody was acting so childish, our only way forward is to bring in some people who can deal with childish squabbles that get out of hand."

It helps that one of the teachers specialises in music. She is expected to teach everybody some Rock and Roll.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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