Written by Tommy Twinkle
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Friday, 17 August 2012

image for Duke of Edinburgh Warned Carpentry May Be Necessary!
Angus McTavish Would be performing the procedure.

The Duke of Edinburgh has been advised to rest so will have no visitors today after spending 'an uncomfortable night' in his hospital bed.

The 91 year old Duke was taken to Aberdeen's Royal Infirmary on Wednesday after his head became trapped between the rungs of a ladder while staying with the Queen at her retreat at Balmoral. Attempts by doctors to free him from the ladder with the use of wet soap on Wednesday proved unsuccessful.

Dr Peter McTavish, head of the team of Scottish doctors treating the royal patient has arranged for his carpenter brother Amish to sharpen a saw ready in case his services be required to free Philip's head. The news that a carpenter is standing by was broken to the Duke of Edinburgh this morning.

"The Duke insists we do all we can to avoid having to damage his ladder," said his doctor this morning, "but all our attempts to do so have so far have failed to dislodge his head at all, including yesterday's attempt by pouring ten litres of cooking oil over his head. Frankly I am amazed how he managed to get such a big head through the gap in those rungs.'

'Obviously he's finding it difficult to sleep. On Wednesday we tried rolling him onto his side with the ladder outside of the bed but he complained the weight of the ladder was pulling down on the side of his neck. Last night we tried sleeping him face down with the ladder on the bed beneath him, but he found that to be even more uncomfortable complaining that his knees kept rubbing against the rungs lower down the ladder. Tonight we're going to suggest he tries sleeping with his legs astride the ladder."

The Duke trapped his head in the same ladder earlier this year but on that occasion doctors were able to free it because his head hadn't gone all the way through but had become stuck halfway at the ears.

"He's promised me it won't happen again," said Dr McTavish, "Philip has said he'll be using a different one in future with much wider gaps between the rungs when he and his wife play snakes and ladders together at Balmoral."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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