Written by Tommy Twinkle
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Friday, 17 August 2012

image for Former PM Gordon Brown Timed At Edinburgh Running Faster Than Usain Bolt!
Gordon was wearing his usual shoes!

Following Monday's sprint onto the stage by former Prime Minister Gordon Brown to speak against Scottish independence at the International book festival in Edinburgh, Mr Brown said today that he would only consider running for gold at the 2016 Olympic Games in Rio if representing a 'Team GB'.

Although video footage of Monday's sprint only shows Mr Brown running for a distance of 1.2 metres, experts who have studied the footage say the former Prime Minister covered the distance 0.0002 seconds faster than the quickest 1.2 metres Usain Bolt ran when taking gold in the 100 metres final at the London 2012 Olympics recently, all the more astonishing as Mr Brown insists he only took up training last Wednesday.

"And that was when I was wearing a suit and my usual shoes," he points out.

Referring to Rio, Gordon feels it would be wrong for him to be running against athletes from other parts of the UK having served them in the high office of Prime Minister in the past though admits that by running for a Team Scotland would enable the inclusion of an athlete into the other British team who would otherwise miss out on the opportunity due to the place being taken up by himself.

"Four years is anyway a long way off," points out Gordon. " Also the shortest running event at the Olympics is the hundred metres which is a lot further than I've attempted, though I suppose given the speed I come out from the blocks would allow me to to walk the last fifty metres or so and still beat that Jamaican chap comfortably."

He insists he'd had no idea of how fast he was until being told about the speed he'd been timed to have travelled at Edinburgh on Monday.

"I was a little late arriving there," he explained, "and so I was simply running along the stage to the microphone so as not to keep the audience waiting to hear my important speech any longer than necessary. I wasn't trying to give anyone the impression that I'm as fit as a fiddle or that I still have the energy of a twenty-one year old," he said.

Pillock!!!

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