Written by Tommy Twinkle
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Monday, 23 July 2012

image for London Warned Not To Approach Dancing Policemen!
Headbanger!

The government issued a warning to the public this evening not to approach any dancing policemen they might see in London during the next few days

This evening's government warning, announced by David Cameron from Number 10, came after police stations from all over London reported receiving thousands of telephone calls from worried members of the public concerned about strange behaviour they'd been seeing from police officers on the streets of the capital today.

Many of those phoning were claiming to have seen police officers causing traffic to come to a standstill by abandoning their police motorcycles and cars then dancing in the middle of busy London roads for no apparent reason.

One phone call from the manageress of a Dry Cleaning shop in Hoe Street, Walthamstow, was to report trees being uprooted and cars overturned by a powerful whirlwind produced by the rapid spinning of a policeman performing a pirouette on the pavement outside the shop. The woman who phoned to report the incident, a Mrs Ivy Tinsel, claimed the police officer had been spinning so fast that he eventually burst into flames.

In another call a member of the public reported seeing a motorcycle police officer swinging his head violently backwards and forwards at a red traffic light in East India Dock Road, Poplar. The woman said she'd recognised the sound of music being played very loudly coming from a car nearby to have been that of Iron Maiden's 'Run to the hills'.

Mr Cameron has since revealed that the dancing policemen are not real people at all but are in fact Chinese made cyborg RoboCops.

Announcing the decision to withdraw the cyborg RoboCops from service, he assured Londoners;

"We will get them removed from the streets of the capital as quickly as is humanly possible, but it's likely to take a few days."

Asked what had gone wrong with the cyborgs the Prime Minister explained;

"The full details of what went wrong with these highly sophisticated cyborgs is still to be established. We should not start pointing the finger of blame at Seb just yet. Lord Coe has though said to me in private that he thinks he may have ticked the wrong boxes when placing the order for the cyborgs. He thinks that could have led to the Chinese manufacturer of these cyborg Robo-cops putting the wrong kind of programming into them. It is possible the cyborgs Seb was ordering, the dancing cyborgs to be used to entertain spectators during the opening ceremony of the games this Friday, had there programmes instead put into the RoboCop cyborgs Boris Johnson had asked him to include when placing the order to the factory in Peking.'

'I must make it absolutely clear how important it is that members of the public do not approach these dancing policemen. They are programmed to respond very violently and to resist anyone they think could be trying to stop them from completing there dance routines.'

'Unfortunately some of the AA batteries Boris installed into them, also from China, have already run out. Those batteries supply energy to a part of them where they receive orders. We are unable thererfore to make any electronic contact with them to tell them to return to there respective police stations. Quite frankly we have no idea where they are or what they might suddenly get up to next.'

'Remain calm. I do have some good news. All of there batteries should start to run dry by Friday. From Friday afternoon they won't be able to get more than a few yards before collapsing on the floor even if attempting just a slow waltz downhill. But until then I again ask that people do not approach these cyborg RoboCops. If you see one then walk away as quickly as you safely can then report the sighting as soon as possible to...er....to a policeman."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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