Written by Mark Lowton
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Monday, 10 November 2003

image for Michael Howard's Drug Stance Woos Drop-Out Voters
Howard -

The new conservative leader Michael Howard has announced some radical drives that he is planning to incorporate into the conservative's vision. He is predicting that if his new manifesto is implemented before the next general election, the whopping 26% of voters who rarely cast their vote will definitely put a cross in his box.

"Drug laws are too stringent," complains Mr. Howard. "This country has a high-percentage criminal population just because they're partial to the odd joint or shooting-up on the weekend."

He argues, "Crime statistics prove that over a third of all police time is spent with handling such crimes which is a vast waste of their time and tax-payer's money. Legalising such drugs will enable us not only to bring increased revenue from the taxation of these goods and to regulate their proper manufacture and use, but to re-invest that money into our dwindling economy, our ?third-world' heath service and our ever worsening education system."

Conservative MPs are all united in this stance towards the legalisation of drugs. Conservative party chairman Dr. Liam Fox said this, "Mike's a fantastic guy. We all think he's great. If this won't swing it for us, I don't think anything will. We need to be positive and look to the future, and we need to be a cohesive and coherent party if we are to succeed in our goal. Iain just couldn't cut the cheese when it came to control and dominance over the party, I think in Michael we have a new leader who can take us in hand, drag us into the 21st Century and help us win this general election."

Mr. Howard's proposition has been met by fierce opposition from the Labour party. Angry deputy Prime Minister, John Prescott said, "It's just an immoral rouse to get votes. And anyway, they stole the idea from us."

Mutterings in the House of Lords suggest favour to the stance for the legalisation of drugs. A recent spot test on the peers found that 95% of those tested* had high amounts of illegal substances in their blood-stream.

*4% declined to consent to testing.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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