London (Associated Mess): The Prime Monster's official spokesman has confirmed this morning that Tony and Cherie Blair, currently holidaying at the P2 Travel Lodge Inn just outside Rome's Via Dolorosa, are due for a 'very special meeting' with Pope Ratzinger this weekend amid rumours of imminent matrimonial breakdown around next Tuesday's apocalyptical 6 June 2006 date.
The news was coroborrated today by UK Hellfire Club's marriage guidance counsellors acting for the Blairs who hinted that a full-blooded Papal exorcism may be the only way forward for Cherie, who has been the the PM's official guiding light and psychic muse for the last 25 years......
.....But whose bizarre lame-duck sixth sense has produced increasingly risible prophecies that have resulted in Armageddon havoc - starting with the 2000 US election of George Bush, the collapse of Texan energy giant Enron, zero prosecutions for the 9/11 outrage, the famous 'Dodgy Dossier' and ensuing total dearth of WMDs in Iraq, potential nuclear war with fledgeling Islamic super-power Iran, the Blairs' ruinous purchase over-priced London property and.......Tim Henman losing his World Ranking as the UK's top tennis seed.
The PM is believed to have become so worried about Cherie's loss of grip on the paranormal that has persistently guided all his major political decisions that he has issued her with an ultimatum: six months in a secure NHS unit under a strict regime of medication and observation or the Full- Papal-Bell/Book 'n' Candle-Monty, the video footage of which will be stored at a MI5 facility for the duration of his remaining tenure of No 10.
Pope Ratzinger's office confirmed today that the Blairs are due for a private audience at the Vatican tomorrow, ostensibly for an official penance and rital self-abnegation session that would normally result in a full Papal State Visit to the UK before His Holinesss croaks it like his geriatric predecessor before him.
But Foreign Officce insiders have refused to deny a rash of rumours in London this week that the PM is terrified of a potential 6/6/6 backlash of such Biblical proportions next Tuesday that he is taking no chances in "having the demons cast out" of his psychotic wife Cherie: "The chapter about the Great Whore of Babylon has given Mr Blair the greatest causes for worry, as have the references to the Four Whoresmen of the Apocalypse.
"Mrs Blair's interpretation of these was recorded way back in 1983 when her husband first entered Parliament, and was the driving impetus behind his messianic zeal in re-inventing puiblic life as we know it.
"The ensuing cascade of post-1997 General Election fiascos is due to culminate next Tuesday when Tony is crowned President of Europe and Cherie given Kofi Annan's job at the UN.
"But clearly this ain't happening."
Further reports about the exorcism rite at the Vatican are expected tomorrow.