Written by Simon Saunders
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Friday, 29 June 2012

image for Little Divot Man In Rich Tea Biscuit Furore
If you dunk a rich tea biscuit in this you'll be in serious trouble.

Yet again the once sleepy village of Little Divot finds itself at the centre of a national scandal after improper use of a rich tea biscuit was discovered at a local tea room.

Staff at the Blue Rinse Tea Rooms were left aghast after one of them caught a man dunking a rich tea into his cup of poncey coffee rather than the traditional dunking-in-tea scenario.

The man at the centre of it all, Duncan Busquets of Trollope Lane, has since become the target of a vicious hate campaign thought to have been started by village biscuit officianado's. He has regularly found packets of smashed up biscuits on his front step ever since the incident as some sort of warning.

The incident was spotted by eagle-eyed staff member Vera Swingbucket. She explained what she had seen. "Well, I saw that the man had ordered a poncey coffee and some rich teas, which was a bit odd to start with. I just laughed it off really. Next thing I knew he'd got this crazed look in his eyes and started to dunk the rich tea in his coffee. I tried to stop him but he was too quick for me. I had to go and have a lie down out the back on some baps to calm my nerves. The man is clearly a brute, no two ways about it. If it wasn't for the fact that our customers are so old they can hardly move, he would of started a riot. Hanging is too good for him."

Dangerous Dunker Duncan as he's now known locally claims it's all a big fuss over nothing. After wiping some crumbs away from the corner of his mouth, he told us. "So I dunked a rich tea in my coffee. Big bloody deal. There's no warning sign saying 'Dunking rich tea biscuits in coffee is prohibited'. Come to think of it, it's a bleeding tea room. What are they doing serving coffee anyway? They should have a look in the mirror before having a pop at me. As far as I'm concerned it's a storm in a coffee cup. Ha! See what I did there?"

President of the Little Divot biscuit society, Jamie Dodger, doesn't see the funny side of it. He told us, "It may not be illegal but it breaks with tradition and conformity. Frankly, I'm shaken beyond comprehension at this horrific news. It's yet another example of everything that's wrong with this country. It's bad enough seeing poncey coffee being served in the village, but someone having the brass neck to do what he did, well, it takes the biscuit. He's the sort of uncouth, culturally ignorant moron who probably thinks a Jaffa cake is really a biscuit. I'm outraged. Absolutely outraged."

The rich tea biscuit is said to be recovering well after its ordeal. Biscuit doctors reckon he'll be ready to be dunked in a cup of tea early next week.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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