Written by queen mudder
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Saturday, 23 June 2012

image for Kate Middleton's druggy Uncle Gary 'lends the Queen ten grand' during bank glitch
Embarrassment as accounts at royal bank C**tts & Co remain frozen until at least Monday

Ascot - He's been compared to Sir Walter Raleigh - the country's earliest recorded and most successful tobacco dealer - laying his cloak on a damp patch to avert mucky embarrassment for Queen Elizabeth I.

Yesterday at Royal Ascot a 21st century wannabe knight-in-shining-armour rode to the Queen's rescue when a computer glitch hit the country's foremost banking group.

HM's gambling wedge had failed to materialise from the racecourse's dedicated hole-in-the-wall as accounts at royal bank C**tts & Co froze in a suspected cyber attack.

Gary Goldsmith - Kate Middleton's uncle and widely reported cocaine enthusiast - suddenly sprang up in the Royal Enclosure, a hefty brown envelope tucked neatly inside his jacket pocket.

"May I be of assistance, Ma'am?" he whispered sotto voce down the royal lughole as a beetroot-faced Queen clutched her useless ATM card.

"Have we met before?" a flustered-looking Queen replied feigning the usual octogenarian amnesia as flunkies rushed forward to protect her from the suspicious-looking oik.

"Why yes, Ma'am," Goldsmith replied, "only last weekend at St George's Chapel...when you made me your Secret Knight of the Garter!"

"Well, it's going to cost you an awful lot more than a grubby brown envelope," was the royal response; "about time you signed over that Colombian submarine that's catering to the Olympics this summer!"

A kilo of Bogota's finest powders retails at around fifty thousand squid.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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