Written by Dan Cun
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Wednesday, 13 June 2012

image for Danny Dyer to Host Britain's Hardest Satire Writers
Don't Go Down To The Woods Today - They Don't Like Monkey Business!

Cockney hard man Danny Dyer is to embark on his toughest mission yet: rolling with the tough guys of Britain's amateur satire writing scene, and it's going to get messy.

The six episode series will begin Wednesday on Sky 3, sandwiched between Ross Kemp: Mission Dorking and Horrornation Street, the new soap, devised by Sky, which will feature deceased characters from Britain's most well loved soaps starring the guy from Spandau Ballet who looks a bit like Nicholas Cage.

Dyer has already given me a sneak peek into his show......and it isn't for the feint hearted.

"First of, I head to the Cotswold's, facking shitting meself I was. Met this right tasty geezer, heads up his own firm (doing flowers or somefing) anyway he goes by the handle " The General". Facking have some of that. He introduces me to a culture of facking hard men, scallys, nutters and total psychos, you don't get into this unless you are well tooled up, you know what I mean? Dictionary, computer and a facking pair of gigantic facking balls!"

Dyer takes a long drag on his cigarette before continuing "The General geezer right, he is a facking legend, he writes mainly about Inspector Morse and takes the piss out of anything that facking moves, he don't give a shit, in and out he is, hard man, respect to the Guvnor. In real life I think he is a botanist but when he gets going.....he don't mess about!"

The second episode sees Dyer head down to the coast where he meets "The Caretaker" a shadowy figure hell bent on getting his points across and getting a laugh.

"This munter right, "The Caretaker", he is kind of old school, know what I mean? He likes a good old satire story to be quick and to the point(s), he don't take prisoners, I met him in a pub, he was smoking like a facking trooper, he had right ropy fingers from his continual keyboard usage. Mad one! I was wary all the time, just in case he tried to satire me but he never. Diamond geezer he was, facking respect! He's a hair dresser in real life, specializes in perms."

The final episode of the show sees Dyer out of his comfort zone when he meets a pair of writers who team up together.

"I head down the East End don't I? My facking manor." sneered Dyer "Met up with the "Hat" and the "Twat" - now the Hat he facking made me brick it he did, told me he was a boxer, facking knocked the shit out of some ponce who called his writing "average" - he knew the facking Krays he did, his style is pretty convoluted I would say, he kind of relies on obscure topics but that don't make him a puff! I saw him in action, he was writing away, took him ten hours to write 200 facking words, but I bottled it, I "did one" had to facking scarper, got a bit tasty, know what I mean? He's a cleaner on the underground during the day."

"His mucker, "The Twat" well he kind of just sat there, growling at his computer screen, freaked me out it did, facking psycho, he wades in if someone is taking libertys, always quick to defend his boys, told more than one person to "do one" in the past, bleeding top boys they are, you don't want to get into this business unless you can take the heat, know what I mean, geezer?"

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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