Written by IainB
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Tuesday, 22 May 2012

image for Trapdoor found under Dorking Swimming Pool
The trap door is just about visible (bottom right) if you know where you are looking (which is why we told you)

Maintenance crews repairing the hairline fracture in Dorking Swimming Pool have discovered a large trapdoor leading to previously undiscovered underground chambers.

"The pool was constructed originally in 1870," said pool manager, Captain Jeremiah Pumpernickel. "We believe that the trap door was installed then. Unless the pool was built around the trap door."

According to Pumpernickel, the pool had its last maintenance inspection in 1970, when nobody died.

"There was no mention of the trapdoor in the 1970 maintenance inspection report," said Pumpernickel. "I find this exceedingly odd. It seems such an obvious thing to note down. This suggests to me that the original inspection was shoddy workmanship. And despite the inspector, Fred Houseboat, having been dead for ten years, I shall be writing him a stern letter."

Pumpernickel believes that the hairline fracture is the source of ninety percent of the water loss in the Greater London area.

"It was leaking approximately two millilitres of water every forty-five minutes," he said. "I cannot be more precise than this, as the exact amount fluctuates depending on temperature. I have been compiling a graph of leaked water quantity over time against temperature if you're interested."

The trapdoor, under the swimming pool, which is vastly more interesting than a hairline crack in the pool wall, or when the pool was last inspected, has been opened just once.

"Obviously, we cannot open the trapdoor whilst the pool contains water," said Pumpernickel. "This is, in part, due to the weight of the water pressing down on to the trap door, and in part due to it being an outlet for the all the water, should it be opened."

In the brief time that the trap door was opened, various memorabilia and letters that appear to indicate that Abraham Lincoln hid there during the American Civil war. The only known evidence to indicate he wasn't in America at the time, Unfortunately, with water returned to the pool, the trap door has become impossible to open, and Pumpernickel refuses to drain the pool to let historians into the chamber under the pool.

"They will have to wait for the next scheduled maintenance," said Pumpernickel. "This will be in 2056, at which point, the findings in the chamber will be even more historic, and therefore worth waiting for."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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