A national register of fashion offenders could be set up as part of a massive crackdown to keep the public safe from hideous outfits, Home Secretary Charles Clarke says.
The database could be modelled on the existing Registers and would contain the names of citizens who had served punishment for crimes of fashion before, but were still considered a threat.
The plans were revealed by Mr Clarke as he formally unveiled new "Fashion offender order Logs'' (FOOLs) in response to a series of high-profile failures by the Glossy magazines for highlighting these nuisances.
The orders could ban high-risk offenders, such as Christine Hamilton from certain locations, for example high profile film premiers, or appearing on Television prior to the watershed. He intends also to impose a range of other conditions, such as limiting the amount of colours each person would be able to fit into their wardrobe. But would not include curfews. There have been rumours that they would be still permitted to attend functions in Hull.
Breaking the orders could lead to up to five years in jail. At a minimum, community service will be taken, with the offender reporting to a FORC (Fashion Offenders Rehab centre). These are to be set up by Lady Trinny Woodall & Dame Susannah Constantine (recent Peers) who have been given a reported 1.2 billion to fund this exercise.
Mr Clarke stressed that it was impossible to completely eliminate the risks posed by particularly nasty criminals, joking that he had asked Prime Minister Tony Blair to take up the matter with God. "Can I stop 80's perms happening? Well, actually I can't,'' he said. "I've asked Tony if he can handle it with his links to a higher power and he can't either.'
When asked what she thought Christina Aguilera said I have often be charged with offences, but I am innocent, I think it is against my human rights to have my name down on a register or limit my freedom of self expression, I shall not be visiting the UK again'.
Final details have yet to be finalised and Mr Clarke accepted the FOOLs could be subject to legal challenges when they are brought in.
The House of Commons are expecting opposition in the House of Lords who are concerned there may be some problems with Royal Intervention. It is rumoured that Queen Elizabeth, whose family has shunned fashion for years, is not amused'.