Written by Eurocleese De Zouch
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Topics: Funeral

Tuesday, 1 May 2012

Due to shortage of new business, Funerals Directors in York have been seen "chasing down" the elderly.

One survivor Beryl Chestnut, 84, of Gusset Close spoke of their actions...

"I was just planning to visit my sister, who only lives 184 yards away, but in the corner of my eye, I saw a well dressed man walking just behind me with a hearse just behind him...I gently blew my nose, and before I knew it, he brought out a enormous stamp, and branded me on the forehead with his firm's logo... he then did a runner fairly sharpish"

Others haven't been so lucky. Mr Arthur Longtrouser, formerly of Ponce Avenue was in his local Butchers, buying a brazed Chaffinch, where he suddenly had a heart rumble. He collapsed and sadly popped off. A man brandishing a smart hat quickly ran into the shop, where he pulled out jar of Marmalade, and smeared the man with the firms' name on his chin.

In responding to the allegations of their actions towards Mrs Chestnut, a spokesman for the company wondered "It was an honest mistake...we thought she looked terminal, so we wanted to get first dibs on her, before anyone else could get their grubby mits out".

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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