Written by Skoob1999
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Saturday, 21 April 2012

image for Local Man Infuriated As He Gets Both Barrels From All Directions
This Book Should Come With A Health Warning

Local man, Martin Shuttlecock was reported as being so angry on Saturday evening that he could have ripped the head off a cuddly teddy bear.

A seething Shuttlecock related that recently he seems to be getting shot at from all directions and claims that it is no fault of his own.

"I'm used to being torn apart by people who don't like me for whatever reason," Shuttlecock declared. "But when your own family turns on you for no reason, that's pretty hard to take."

A clearly irate Shuttlecock could be clearly seen through a window pacing his sitting room and gesticulating wildly - probably at the ceiling or possibly someone upstairs - ranting and 'slathering' (sic) in the direction of an unnamed target.

In an effort to get to the bottom of this inexplicable mystery, Skoob News consulted Forensic Scientist, Doctor Dieter Morrow, of the University of Berlin.

"Ah," said Doctor Morrow. "I'm busy right now, but I'll get back to you. Eventually."

An independent observer, and a close confidante of Shuttlecock's, Mr Barry Pastry, of Titchfield contacted Skoob News and laid the blame squarely on last year's release of mega best-selling book, 'The Dorking Review' as being the source of Shuttlecock's problems.

"What it is, right," Mr Pastry guessed. "Is that everybody wants their moment of fame, their fifteen minutes, but the reality is that not everyone deserves it. Anne Shuttlecock was pretty famous in her locale back in the days when she trod the boards as a leading vocalist, and is still recognised and feted in her home city to this day. The problem lies, in that her family think that they deserve equal recognition. Even though they probably don't. They've mocked Shuttlecock for years, as being an utter waste of time and space, and they didn't like it when Shuttlecock achieved fame and fortune for his contributions to The Dorking Review.

"I've discussed this at length with Martin, and quite frankly, he's sick of it. He's no exhibitionist, and the last thing he craves is fame. The Dorking Review has ruined his life. Even the people at the factory where he works have started calling him: "That cunt what does the Times Crossword at break time and writes books." - It's a terrible burden for a man to bear, and since the book was released, Shuttlecock has had to endure a barrage of abuse, often from people he once counted as 'friends.' And even family. He doesn't deserve any of this. He's just a plodder, trying to get on with his life, and trying to raise a smile occasionally. He shouldn't be castigated for that."

Latest reports have it that Shuttlecock was last spotted headbutting a wall and screaming, then trying to manually tear the legs off a table.

Skoob News managed to contact Shuttlecock's long suffering wife, Anne, via her mobile, the number of which we acquired from a formerly best selling Sunday newspaper. Here's what she told us:

"He isn't available right now. He's otherwise occupied - currently kicking the shit out of the dishwasher. I think he's a bit frustrated that nobody seems to get where he's coming from. He's a daft bastard right enough, but he isn't malicious. I blame that bloody book myself."

Doctor Dieter Morrow had not returned our call at the time of going to press.

More as we get it.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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