Written by Wire Piddle
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Monday, 16 April 2012

image for Man Who Donated Heavily To A Sperm Bank Keeps Running Into His Kinfolk
Helmut Heins

Lancashire, U.K. - In a story that can only be seen in light of that old adage, reversed, 'What comes a round, goes around,' a German expatriate living as a civil servant in Britain, Helmut Heins, has claimed to have fathered over 10,000 children through his frequent deposits to a local sperm bank.

"And I keep seeing the same faces, over and over, my face. These kids are grown now and, you know, it's quite embarrassing standing in a stall in the restroom of the local pub and, looking up and down the stalls, walking down High St., attending the local cinema, and seeing yourself, replicated, over and over and over again. And it's like, what were these women's men folk doing or not doing to make my
excretions so alluring?"

"Well," said Betty Shrimpton, wife of a local green grocer. "We sort of formed a club within the community. We'd all meet up at Tesco's and then skip down to the sperm bank to pick up our weeks supply. Pretty soon we're all pregnant. Who'd have guessed we were all dipping into the same sauce as it were. I supposed we could have formed a book club, like we had planned, but then this seemed so much more exciting and it was about the time the internet started growing and no one had any patience or inclination to have sex with a spouse, let alone read books, and, in a book club setting, get together for an evening and discuss the deep symbolism or philosophical merits displayed in a fictional world created by some introverted prat suffering from arrested development who, metaphorically speaking, was still suckling his mother's teat."

When asked if he'd change anything in his life, Mr. Heins replied, "Well, yes, I guess. I mean it's pretty obvious, isn't it? I wish I hadn't jerked off so much."

Indeed.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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