Written by Joe Leff
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Monday, 16 April 2012

Celebrity chef Gordon Pansay suffered several minor injuries at his restaurant in a heated incident yesterday.

True to form, Gordon was leaning over the hot plates, intent on swearing at junior staff. But the hot plates were still red hot and seared through his apron. He was left with partly-cooked ribs.

Gordon nearly went bananas. He was so furious he leapt up on top of the cooking range and stood there gesticulating wildly in his flip-flops, before leaping down with medium rare soles. As he scrambled off he trapped his arm in the oven door, ending up with a lightly singed elbow.

Gordon blamed his outburst on his rude tongue. So he bit off bits of his tongue and spat some out on the hotplate. After two-and-a-half minutes, they were cooked to perfection, so one of his hungry assistants added some light garnish and scoffed them. "Delicious!" he said.

Afterwards Gordon refused to talk (properly) to reporters. "Come on, Gordon," they urged. "Spit it out!"

But Gordon just gave everybody a furious look, and mumbled something like "Go and cook yourselves!"

Doctors later said that "In the heat of the moment, Mr Pansay may have damaged his swearing muscles."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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