Fifteen year old Candy Snaffler was recovering in the burns unit of Dorking General Custer Hospital this morning after a horrendously gruesome occurrence at the town's UV Melanoma Tanning Salon yesterday.
Police and paramedics had to attend after Ms Snaffler refused to come off a coin operated sunbed, despite suffering wholesale blistering and third degree burns, following a ten hour tanning session.
"We had to forcibly remove her," Sergeant Bob Bastard of Dorking Police told reporters. "We tried reasoning with her - informing her that her skin was bubbling like hot caramel, and that she'd been seared to the bone where her eyebrows once were - but she wouldn't have it. In the end we had no option but to pull the plug out, wrestle her to the ground, whack her in the face with pepper spray, kick her in the chest, poke her in the eyes and handcuff her. Then we strapped her to a stretcher and rushed her to the General Custer. She struggled like a cat under a cold water tap throughout, and repeatedly questioned our familial legitimacy, but at the end of the day we have a duty to protect and to serve. Which is exactly what we did."
Upon her admission to the General Custer, Ms Snaffler was rushed into emergency surgery, anaesthetised, and operated on for nine gruelling hours as leading Italian burns surgeon, Mr Inferno Dante, performed a series of skin grafts and extensive damage limitation surgery using a potato peeler and a Black And Decker sander.
"She was a difficult patient," Mr Dante informed reporters as he emerged, exhausted, from the operating theatre, and slumped against a wall in the corridor. "She wouldn't sign the consent forms, and she insisted that she wanted to go back to the tanning salon. When I informed her that her life was in danger, that her skin was burning like hot tar, and that she would die if she continued to use the sunbed, she just told me to shut up. Then when I pointed out to her that she was in very real danger of death, she told me to shut up again, adding that I was old and ugly and that who was I to talk because I have crooked teeth. Then she said that my wife was probably fat and ugly and said that I must be really thick because I don't have a Farcebook account. To be honest, I felt like punching the silly bitch in the face, but the anaesthetist intervened, and gave her a shot. She even abused him, saying that he was gay and took it up the tradesman's entrance off sailors and that he fancied Michael Buble. Which he isn't, and doesn't. He's actually happily married with four kids. Without doubt, she's the worst patient I ever had. She finally went under when I asked her what three multiplied by two is. I don't think she could cope with the complexity of that."
Following this revelation, Mr Dante slumped down in a chair and muttered something incoherent about how life is meaningless and that he'd have been better off staying at home watching Britain's Got Talent on the telly.
Ms Snaffler is expected to make a partial recovery, although she will lose two thirds of her face and lose all sense of taste, and probably be at best, partially sighted by the time she reaches her twenties, owing to excessive retinal UV exposure.
Her BFF, Tampon McFlurry, also 15 and of Dorking had nothing but condemnation for the emergency services.
"It's Elf n Safety culture gone mad," Ms McFlurry raged at reporters. "Candy just wanted to look a bit more like Rihanna, that's all. And there's naffink wrong wiv that. Rihanna's well fit an' that innit. Candy'll never have taut buttocks coz she scoffs too many burgers n' kebabs, so she does sorta look like the back end of a bus, but nah she can't even make her arse a bit brahner wivvout bleedin' do gooders pokin' their bleedin' noses in. Talk abaht Big Bruvver...not the one by that Beethoven geezer...the one wiv 'er wot wuz shaggin' Ryan Giggs in it...bleedin' nanny state...and that Cameroon and Clegg...gay...s'obvious innit. The people wot run the country is all old and past it, and they all smell of wee and cabbage. And they're all gay and ugly and really ancient and wrinkly. A bit like really horrible pigs wiv ginger 'air what don't have a clue and that really, innit. Anyway, Candy's not me BFF any more. I've defriended her on Farcebook. Wiv all them burns and that she looks like a gay baboon bus pass pensioner's arse, and I can't be doin' wiv a BFF like that. Bad for me image innit."
An interesting perspective indeed.
More as we get it.
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